


Drowning

by Ammnda



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Anxiety, Daddy Issues, Drowning, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Substance Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29614230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ammnda/pseuds/Ammnda
Summary: His head was spinning a thousand miles per second. Anxiety was overflowing his room until he couldn’t breathe. His lungs were filled with nothing but dark and heavy water. He was on this huge and terrifying ocean alone and, if he was being honest, he didn’t want help. He just wanted to sink.He has known how to swim since he was 5. He had experience with uneasy waters before. What was different now? Was the water too deep for him this time? Or were his legs too damaged to keep swimming?---idk just give it a chance but PLEASE keep your expectations low just in case(it's for your own sake)
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	1. Mice on Venus

**Author's Note:**

> **// TW please read the tags before reading.**  
>   
>   
>  I don’t really consider myself as a good writer(specially when English is not even my first language). Please don’t spect this to be good, I'm not taking responsibility if you begin to bleed from your eyes. 
> 
> Sorry in advance about all the spelling and/or grammatical mistakes:(

His body felt like it was submerged in ice. Every nerve was feeling pain. Nothing new compared to the last two months of his life. He could feel the headache building up, but the emptiness growing inside him was even stronger so he got out of the unknown sheets and started to look around for his pants, more specifically, the little bag on the left pocket.

Once he finds it, lines up the powder on the night table and heads down, ready to give in; a call starts to rang. He glances at the stranger’s peaceful sleeping face on his side and remembers how much he hates talking to them and not even remembering their name. _Awkward._ He answers with a whisper as fast as he can so she doesn’t wake up, “What?”

“HELLO, DWEAM!” 

“Oh my god! Sap, my head!”

“Why are you whispering? A hot lady is on your bed and you don’t wanna wake her up?” Nick teases as he starts to laugh.

“Yeah, it’s your mom” he teases back with a small laugh. “Anyways, why are you calling so early?”

“I’m about to stream. Nothing too serious, just my alt. So I was wondering if you’re up to some bedwars with Karl, Punz and Gogy since you haven’t appeared online for a while,” he pauses for a second remembering the little he knew about the situation his friend was in, “Dude, it’s 4 pm. Are you really just waking up?” It doesn’t sound like a joke anymore. He’s genuinely starting to worry. 

His head is still spinning. It’s too early for his body. “Uhm... Yes?” Friends don’t hide shit from one another, right? “I went out last night and I kinda... y’know?“

“Again? Seriously, Clay, you’re worrying me. It’s like the 5th time I call you this week since you don’t even look at my texts anymore. Every fucking time you sound dead. This is not you”

What the hell does he mean by that? “It is me, Nick. You just don’t know how I am irl. I’m just your online friend, you don’t know shit” the whispers disappear as he starts the sentence. The craving is getting into his head, again. 

Although he knows he wasn’t always like this; going out, drinking until he blacks out, doing drugs, laying with random people almost every night and not really remembering how he ended up on those strange sheets. He’s aware he’s not like this but hearing it from Nick hurts, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. When he says it out loud it makes it more real. More scarier. More out of control. 

“Dream, I‘ve known you for ages. I fucking know you well enough to know that you’re no longer caring about anything. Not even your body. You’re hurting yourself and it sends me the vibes you’re doing this intentionally.” As he sights you can hear how scared he is. “You’re beginning to self harm again, Clay. Deep down you know that...”

“I- I’m not. I’m just having fun-“

“You used to tell me you hated alcohol and parties. Explain to me how the Clay I knew would have fun by going out and waking up with headaches, huh?” 

The call goes flat silent. 

The girl next to Dream begins to wake up. She’s pretty, everyone can acknowledge that. You can even say the shape of her eyes makes her look like a nice person. But as she’s getting her mind back and glances around her room, she looks much more worried and less peaceful. 

“Uhm... are you alright?” She stares at the picture next to her bed. A tall shirtless guy sitting besides her nightstand with two straight lines of some powder. He looks incredibly sad. _Who’d hurt someone that looks like such a good person?_ “Are you really gonna keep going with that, huh? We can go for another round if that can make you look less depressed” 

He can imagine Sapnap on the other end freaking out as soon as he hears the lady speak. Not sure what he heard if he actually heard anything. Before speaking he takes his phone out of his ear and mutes himself. “Wait a second... Uhm...Sorry, what was your name again? I’m Clay by the way” 

“Sophie”

“Alright, Sophie. Let me just end this call. I’ll be back” He answers as he walks out of the room. 

“You were really on a stranger’s bed?” Sapnap says with a not too surprised tone after he closes the door behind him

_Shit._

“How much did you listen to?” He’s way too good as a friend. If Nicks ever knows what he’s actually doing when he goes out, he’d fly all the way to Florida without hesitation.

“Not much, just some girl’s voice. Why?”

“It’s nothing. I’ll text you later, okay?” He says as he gets to remember a little from last night. Bodies moving, noise, music, laughs, not too surprising blood all over his green shirt, skin, softer skin, kisses, moans; great sex overall. 

It actually sounds like a good idea what Sophie was offering him. _Forgetting_ for a while. 

“Wait. Are you really leaving? What about the stream?” 

“Sapnap, c’mon. You really thought I was joining with a hangover?” He started to giggle as the words fell out of his mouth, which made Nick go quiet for a moment as he took in the whole situation. 

“You know that people are worried, right? Not only the fans, your friends too. You haven’t bothered to answer any messages to anyone for weeks. I don’t even know why you’re telling me you’ll text me later” he mumbles something afterwards that made Dream’s heart break. _It can’t be real._

“What did you say?!”

“ _I said,_ I don’t even know why people still care about you.”

A tear goes down his cheek as he hears the sentence his own mind has said multiple times over and over again when he’s on his darkest days. It’s not just himself saying it with anger, it’s one of his closest friends making it true. 

“Fuck you, Nick” He whispers into the phone with pain. 

After waiting a few seconds for something to change. Anything. _Just say something, please._

What if he decides to finally end it? He has already pushed the relationship too far anyways. He can’t keep relaying on his friend this much. It’s not good for him. “I never asked you to care about me, Nick. Just-“ he takes a shaky breath as he says softly, “leave me alone, stop calling me, stop texting me. I don’t want you to care. Clearly neither of us want this relationship to keep going. It’s obviously too much for us.” Deep down he knew it was all a lie. Dream still wanted Sapnap in his life. Who wouldn’t? It was better to think he didn’t. 

When Sapnap finally realizes what happened and what he said for it to happen it’s too late, the call has ended and Dream’s phone wasn’t getting the calls. He didn’t even think how deep it could touch Dream’s heart. Why would it? It’s not like they haven’t fought and said shitty things to each other. Clay didn’t mean it, right? _Right?_ Years of friendship and he thought he didn’t want to be his friend anymore? 

Dreams washes his face before coming into the bedroom again and just starting to kiss Sophie without saying a word other than “you want some?” as he heads down into the nightstand next to them. 

Even though his nose was burning and it started to bleed after a few seconds, he just whipped with his hand and did his best to ignore it. Every movement was getting more and more harsh. She’s way too skinny and small to actually get all his pain out on her. He doesn’t want to do any real harm. She’s aware of that by the worried and caring look he has as he moves on top of her. After all, it’s still scary when a total stranger is so hard on her. 

Both of them have a scared look on their faces as they moan through the movements with their eyes shut. After everything Dream brakes and begins to go even harder as the thoughts fill his mind and tears go down his face. When the small girl opens her eyes in pain and surprise. She sees the man above her sobbing with his eyes still closed. 

“Hey, hey” what is she supposed to do? “Stop for a second. It’s alright” Sophie whispers into his ear as she tries to comfort him by taking him into her arms. 

“I’m so sorry. The call- And Nick- I-“ he tries to say between the tears and loud sobs. He feels the knot on his throat tightening and getting bigger every time he tries to speak, “I’m such a mess, Sophie. I’m sorry...” 

The hug feels nice and warm. It makes him feel like he’s not as alone as he actually is.

——————

When he’s finally home after _forgetting_ with Sophie he decides to turn on his phone. Not really sure why since he wasn’t planning on responding to any messages or calls, at least not today. 

_5 missing calls from Gogs💙 (2m ago)_  
_53 iMessages from Pandas:) (36m ago)_  
_38 missing calls from Pandas:) (48m ago)_

_“I don’t even know why people still care about you”_ keeps replaying on the back of his head. 

He stares at the screen once again asking himself if he actually wants to call him back, but the screen lights a cute picture of his friend he once set as a joke but never bothered to change.

_Incoming call from Gogs💙_

“What do you want?” he answers the phone with a quiet but harsh voice, tired of people _caring_. He remembers the call from earlier, “Aren’t you supposed to be on Nick’s stream right now?” Unintentionally he sounds mad but doesn’t bother correcting his tone. 

“Uhm- He ended way too early so I started a stream”

“Shit... Why are you calling? I told Nick I was- uhm... busy with _stuff_ ”

“Oh sorry, I didn’t know. He logged off” he sounds worried but clearly doesn’t want to get too into it, at least not in front of thousands of people. “I was wondering if you wanted to chat with me while I try to speedrun. But since you’re busy it doesn’t matter... Talk to you later?”

“Yeah, right” 

Without even a goodbye he ends the call with his face incredibly hot. Why did he sound so mad out of nowhere? He didn’t mean to be such a dick. _It’s inevitable._

After repeating every word and breath he took while he was on the call he decides to text an apology. 

_hey George_  
_im sry for being so shitty earlier:(_

Did he really want to tell him the truth? He’d be a worse friend if he lied again. 

_before Nick’s stream we kinda fought over some shit_  
_so i thought you were gonna be mad at me since u two probably talked before the stream_  
_i may have overthought ur call before even answering haha_

_anyways,_  
_ily Georgie:(💙💙💙💙💙_  
_im rlly sorry for being so shitty with u out of nowhere. i didnt mean to sound so mad_  
_im sorry for not answering anything for so long too:(_

_im not planning on answering too much anyways_  
_Srry if it sounded like i would lol_

_im sorry_

Will he ever be sorry enough? It wasn’t that big of a deal if you think about it from any of the two boys' perspectives. But Dream’s mind couldn’t drop it. 

After hours between glass bottles and chugging down a little too many capsules he managed to fall asleep. All he wanted was sleep and forget how he was pushing everyone away unintentionally. 

—————————

As many nights, he suddenly appeared in the house he spent most of his childhood in. Immediately he felt the rush of sadness creep into his mind. The smell of rain was getting into his nose, reminding him that everyone leaves, it doesn’t matter how much he wants them to stay. 

“Clay! He’s leaving, come say goodbye!” The familiar voice calls him dragging him out of his room after being in his bed all week unable to move or think. Totally numb to the idea. 

_It’s gonna be alright. It’s not like I really need him here anyways._ He tries to convince himself that he’s not that close to him. It’s not like he never got the chance to actually get closer to his mom since his sisters were always keeping all her attention away from him. _I’ll be alright._

The taller man (but still smaller than he could recall) comes closer. But this time his face was blurry, although he was able to see that weird and unusual smile. “I’m leaving, Clay...” he whispers as he comes closer to him. It’s a voice he knows but not the right one. He opens his arms trying to take him into a hug. _It feels wrong._ This time it’s a scary hug instead of a sad one, it doesn’t have that pines smell that comforted him when he was a child. The smell he usually misses when he comes back to that memory. The smell that left him after that hug. 

“I don’t want to- Please stop” Dream tries to yell and snug out of the huge arms trapping him in. Eventually he has to give up. Both of them try to cover the water dripping from their eyes pretending it’s not breaking their hearts. 

“I don’t even know why I still care about you, Dream” The hug painfully disappeared as well as the man. 

It’s tearing him apart. 

A bunch of new messages wake him up from the awful dream. He ignored them as much as he could but his mind was running fast, maybe because he was scared or maybe because of the bunch of drugs mixed up in his system. 

Horrible and scary thoughts were all over the room. 

_What if he hates me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore?_

_It’s not his fault anyways._

_I wouldn’t even consider being friends with myself, why would anyone else?_

_This is his best way out._

_How can anyone love me if I hate every single cell in my body._

_It’s stupid._

_I’m so stupid._

His breath begins to go faster. The poisoned blood ran faster than light through his veins. Every tear dropped hurt more than the last one. The nails break through the skin on his arms as he holds himself tight without letting go the ringing phone. But the physical pain doesn’t hurt as much as his thoughts. His heart was breaking more and more as he pictures his life without George’s voice. It was so painful to even imagine it. It felt like _dying._ He just wanted it to end. He wanted to sleep without dreaming. 

More encapsulated flowers went through his throat with the intention of forgetting the dream. Forgetting the stream. Forgetting Sapnap. Forgetting George. Forgetting everything. 

“Dream?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally deleted this so I’m reposting it (yes, I’m stupid)
> 
> I really appreciate kudos and comments<3
> 
> If you have any ideas for a chapter or just something you’d like to see in the story, feel free to tell me:)
> 
> H e l p


	2. Chirp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is George a mermaid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, I’m not trying to romanticize any of the problems in the tags. Those are serious issues. 
> 
> I wrote this with the objective of letting some thoughts and feelings out. I wasn’t even planning on publishing it. 
> 
> Stay safe<3

“Dream?”

He didn’t even realize when the ringing stopped. He could barely hear him through the tears and heavy breathing. 

“Shit” he courses as he tries to get himself together. _Deep breaths, Clay. Deep breaths._ He could swear he had almost suffocated. His body had completely forgotten how to breathe, the mechanism completely erased from memory. In some way, it didn’t really matter after all. He was already deep into the foggy waters, there was nothing much to breathe, not that he truly wanted to. 

With a quiet voice he answers as smoothly as he can, “what’s up?” 

“Are you okay? You sounded-“  
The uncontrolled loud uneven breaths didn’t let him tell his shitty lie straight. “I- I’m alright” _Am I alright?_

His head was spinning a thousand miles per second. Anxiety was overflowing his room until he couldn’t breathe. His lungs were filled with nothing but dark and heavy water. He was on this huge and terrifying ocean alone and, if he was being honest, he didn’t want help. He just wanted to sink. He has known how to swim since he was 5. He had experience with uneasy waters before. What was different now? Was the water too deep for him this time? Or were his legs too damaged to keep swimming? 

Surprisingly to Dream, George decides it’s better to help him stop drowning before even considering asking anything.

“Breath with me, Clay. Listen to my breaths. In… out...” _Is George a mermaid?_

Clay was sure if he hadn’t accidentally answered the call, he would have given up and just drowned. His body was too tired and it felt too heavy to actually keep trying to keep his head out of the water. George couldn’t see him sink, it’d kill him. 

After a few minutes of learning how to swim again, silence was flowing through the call. His head is clearer but still full of painful thoughts. 

His anxiety made it harder and harder to breath as the panic slowly snuggled into his mind, making him forget about George hearing him sink. 

Scared of what could happen if he didn’t speak as he heard the uneven breathing coming through Dream’s mic, George asks, “uhm... Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to tell me. It’s completely fine if you don’t want to. I’m here for you either way,” as he doesn’t answer, he tries to reassure him once again, “I’m just saying, I’m here if you need me. I’m not trying to push you to speak but I really think it could be good to let your thoughts out sometimes.” 

He knows his friend is right in some sense but he didn’t want to get him more alarmed than he already was. What is the point in bothering him more? He wasn’t even sure why he was panicking by that point. 

He didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity in George’s point of view. Dream’s mind was floating all over the room trying to make some sense of it all. 

“I’m loosing my fucking mind.” He ends up whispering, mostly to himself. 

His mind was getting even more foggy than before the panic attack. He couldn’t figure out why he felt like that. It was like he couldn’t think because he was thinking too much, just drowning in thoughts. 

He starts to laugh at himself. How pathetic could he be to not know why he felt so scared and sad all the time? He doesn’t deserve all the love and effort people put into him. He was just a waste of time and space. He was just a weight on people’s lives. He didn’t even deserve eating. He wasn’t worth it, people somewhere could make more out of it than him. The hysterical laughs end up evolving into sobs and heavy breaths as all he can think about is how much of a waste he is. _I’m pathetic._ “Clay? What’s wrong?” 

“That’s the thing, George. I don’t fucking know what is wrong... I’m just wasting everyone’s time” 

“You’re not a waste of time. You’ll _always_ be worth it.” George desperately tries to take that thought out of his friend’s mind. _Why would he ever think that?_

A long pause went through. 

George ends up overthinking as he tries to find a way to help Dream clear his mind and put in order his thoughts, “Do you know what triggered your panic attack?” George ends up asking with hesitation. Scared of leading him into a darker place. But he’s even more scared of not knowing if he would ever have the opportunity of talking about this again. 

_Dreaming._

A small “Yes” comes out of his mouth. 

“Maybe you could start by talking about that?” 

A memory went clearly through his cloudy mind. He comes back once again to the smells of pines. 

An eternity passes just sitting in silence. 

“Every time is worse, y’know? I don’t get why it’s tearing me apart even though it happened ages ago” He hardly can focus on what he is saying. 

_George shouldn’t worry about me._ “It’s fine now. I mean, it has always been fine. It was never something I was sad for. I’ve always been okay by myself. I never needed him or you or Sap,” Recalling the call from earlier, he realizes,”I don’t really _need_ you... But it hurts, George. It fucking hurts knowing you exist somewhere in the world and you are not going to be by my side everyday for the rest of my life. I should have left with him. I shouldn’t be here.” 

What he is saying gradually stops making sense, barely having any connection between sentences. 

“The pines, George. I can still smell him through my brain as clear as I can smell your fear through my ears. I hate it. I fucking hate that smell. You’re gonna leave me as well as the pines and Nick.” The thoughts come out of his mouth with pain but mainly anger. The small encapsulated flowers taken a while ago are beginning to bloom uncontrollably. 

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand anything, Clay” 

He doesn’t have an actual answer so he doesn’t even bother trying to explain. Minutes pass as he drowns in his own head. 

“George?” He didn’t want to be alone. At least not until he is sure he won’t dream. His body was feeling the flowers all over, pushing him down into the sheets. 

“Yes?” He whispered with confusion. So many questions and not even one brain cell could answer them. _What is he thinking? Is he drunk? He told me he doesn’t drink. He could be just tired, right? Drugged with tiredness. That’s all..._

“I’m so scared,” Clay whispers, almost like a simple breath. What if he dreams? 

“What are you afraid of?” A distant voice asks. 

“Dreaming,” he clears his throat from all the crying, “I don’t want to dream alone again” 

“I can stay on the call with you. I won’t leave you” 

“Everyone leaves, George. Even Nick knows it, so stop lying.” He remembers the blooming plants all over his veins. _Everyone but the flowers._

“What the fuck are you on about?” Fear creeps through every word that comes out of Clay’s end. 

“You shouldn’t care anyways.” Clay mumbles with deep anger. 

“Why wouldn’t I care? Even if it’s hard for me to say it sometimes, I love and care about you a _lot_ , Clay. You’re so fucking important to me. I’d _never_ leave you” 

“Ask Nick, he gets it” The painful sound of Nick’s voice plays on the back of his mind as he gives up his body to the flowers. _They can take over from now on, right?_

“What happened with Nick?” 

”Ask him,“ his words came out slurred from tiredness. Eventually he gives up. The distant voice is no longer heard. Everything stops as he closes his eyes, floating away since flowers are surrounding his body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If someone ever wants to talk, my dms are always open<3  
> You can leave a comment and some way of contacting you through any social media. (I review comments before everyone can see them, so no one other than me would see it)
> 
> (Sorry for the short chapter._.)  
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated:)


	3. Far 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _georhge:(((((((_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all the people that voted!:)
> 
> I’m so sorry for taking so long to write this:( I’ve been feeling kinda down lately but writing this is actually helping me put what I think and feel into words, which I guess is some progress into being ✨ _mentally stable_ ✨. So thank you so, so much to everyone that is reading this for pressuring me into writing more(chill, I don’t actually get pressured by you all. It’s just my mind lmao).
> 
> (I tried something new with this chapter. I'm not sure if I like it tho-_-)

He would be lying if he said he didn’t feel slightly mad about the call. Dream had been ignoring him for weeks, he totally abandoned him. He didn’t answer his morning texts anymore, nor his stream invitations. He gradually began to disappear from his life and none of his attempts of saving the relationship from sinking have worked. It was like Dream didn’t want to save it. Like it meant nothing to him. 

He remembers a time when both of them would stay in calls all night laughing until they couldn’t breathe anymore. There were also sad times when they’d let their hearts open and vulnerable knowing there was not even a pinch of judgment between them. Times when they would even fall asleep half way through a call and just stay there the rest of the night, comfortable in each other’s company. Times when they didn’t even have to speak to know how the other was feeling. They used to be inseparable, it was impossible to even consider the chance of not talking to each other for over a day. _What changed?_

For sure nothing has changed for George. He was still sitting in desk in his bedroom waiting for a message from Discord reading he wasn’t busy anymore and that he’d be glad to talk with him.  


In reality, he didn’t even think that all those notifications were from Dream. Why would he text him now after weeks of not answering his calls? It didn’t make sense thinking otherwise. He didn’t really overthink what the messages were by reminding himself that if it was something he should be concerned about, they’d call him. Instead, he turned his phone off without even looking at his screen and threw it into his bed. _I can deal with it later, it’s probably just Sapnap spamming me with memes again._

After a while streaming, talking and playing mindlessly with his friends, keeping his head focused on something else than the fact that he’s slowly losing his relationship with his favorite person. He finally turned his phone on just to realize that the hundreds of messages were from the one and only, _DreamWasTaken._

At first, the messages were okay, it was kind of alarming that he was feeling so bad from something that looked so small compared to ignoring him for weeks. George couldn’t be angry at him for too long anyways, Dream was his debility. He couldn’t ignore him like he did with everyone else. 

A while after multiple sorry’s, the messages began to look slurred and weird making George’s anxiety began to run through his veins, filling them slowly

****

**Dweam <3:  
** _im sorry geirge  
_ _im so so so sorry  
_ _i know I finckwd up_

__

_Please anwsdr slmething  
_ _i cant loose u too:(((_

_Georhge:(((((((_

__

_fuckinj Nick  
_ _That fuckingb_

__

_m sorry ok?:(( i fiking lov u gogs  
_ _yuo are such a good friend gogy  
_ _youre so perfect it makes me cry:(((((_

He felt horrible knowing Dream was probably banging his own head into a wall. He couldn’t picture him drinking because of it though, so his mind decided he was probably just sleep deprived or something around that idea. Dream always said he didn’t like to drink after all. 

After scrolling through more and more sad apologies and just none senses, he made it to much more slurred messages. He was obviously on something but George repeated over and over again Dream’s voice reassuring him that he doesn’t drink. 

Eventually the messages were harder to read and actually understand anything at all, especially the last ones. By that point George couldn’t get what Clay was trying to tell him. The only thing he could understand between the nonsense was a phone screenshot of a ticket with his name to fly from England to Texas. _What the fuck? Why?_

__

_fucking bitvh  
_ _British country whats yhe nameee  
_ _im buying fly thingys gogs:DDDDddd_

__

_dp u wanna come  
_ _to my minceaft irl house:D)??  
_ _ik u dknt want to. Idek why im askin lmao sorry_

__

_ill buy u tickets to fuckers minecrtaf irrlhome  
_ _fuckers can meetw up now:)  
_ _yay:)  
_ _**[atatchment]  
**_ _Have fun fucking biych  
_ _i hate u2_

__

_sorry georgeeee:((((((((  
_ _i woukd never hate u, i lov u too mcuh:(  
_ _im so sorry bout everything:((((  
_ _im just_

__

_im alrighy i dont really have an excuse tbh  
_ _sorry_

Now he got actually worried. His head was filled with questions that no one but Dream could answer. After all his attempts of finding answers he’s not replying to any of his texts. Something felt so wrong it began to hurt him physically, making him on the verge of throwing up. Even if he tried his hardest to remind himself that Dream doesn’t drink, even less do drugs, he couldn’t help but feel like that wasn’t the case. All he could do to make that small voice on the back of his head shut up, was verifying that his friend was indeed alright. Even though he felt like he might be over exaggerating by calling him, the worry was way too much to think through his actions.  
About 5 missing calls later anxiety was eating him inside out until he finally answered. But all he could hear was uneven breaths. Making his panic rise even more. 

————

Did George just get hit by a truck? For sure it felt like it.  
As soon as George realizes Dream passed out, his anxiety bagan to spike even more. He has never seen his friend like this. He has never heard him so upset and sad. He has never got to actually hear about his dad other than just “We were never too close. It was alright” which now he realizes it was obviously a lie. He has never heard him talk about Nick so angry either. It was scary. 

__

_“Ask him” Dream whispers into his ear with an unreadable tone._

__

All he wanted to do besides getting to know that his best friend (or who used to be his best friend) was indeed alright was to call someone so he wouldn’t feel so alone and confused. Every cell and atom in his body was screaming at him that he should do it before something goes worse. Even though that would be a good idea, he was too scared of hanging up. George needed to hear him breathe in order to breathe himself. 

Maybe he was too exhausted or the unbearable silence was making his anxiety control his body, but he was physically incapable to text someone to help them. His small hands were too shaky and useless. Even if he tried his hardest, he wouldn’t manage to make it into a coherent sentence. He didn’t actually know what he was supposed to ask anyways. It wasn’t like he knew exactly how to get into that conversation either. He was completely useless.

The boy wasn’t sure how long he sat there hearing the small breaths pretending they were a lullaby. It felt like an eternity and flash at the same time. He spent most of the time, if not all, analyzing the situation and thinking of every single thing he could do in order to understand what was going on and help Dream. All he wanted was to be there holding Dream, protecting him from the world. But he doesn’t let him. He never does. It’s like he has given up a while ago. Like he thinks he doesn’t even deserve it.

The lullaby went on and on until he suddenly heard him mumbling and shifting through the phone. Maybe he was finally getting some answers.

“Clay?”

“Oh- Fuck” his voice was clear this time. Clay felt his head spinning around the room, obviously still way too drunk and high. Almost two seconds later he felt the nausea spiking. As it was almost a daily routine, he got into his side and threw his guts out into the bin next to his bed. 

After rolling back into his bed and putting a hand over his stomach, he felt disgusting. He pinched skin on the sides of his stomach. _Disgusting._ Every cell was telling him how repulsive he was. The roses began to show under his skin again. Every thorn trying to go through his (by now almost nonexistent) fat layer. He tried to scratch them out but nothing was enough to make them go away. His nails digging in his skin weren’t enough. He scratched until his articulations hurt from it. Desperation started to run through his brain. He began to panic at the thought that they’d never leave. Harsher and angrier scratches were getting drawn on his skin while the desperate sobs were keeping the silence away. 

He needed to make them go away. The pain no longer felt like pain, that’s why it wasn’t working. It was a reward. A relief instead of a punishment. The realization made his tears run even harder. His mind was full of angry thoughts against himself. It hurt too much. it was all too much. He needed to get out of his own head and breathe for a second but every thought was holding him in tighter. 

He was ready to give his soul to the flowers before they broke his skin and kept digging through every inch of his body, but a familiar voice in the background stopped him. Since the pills were fully consumed by his body by that point, he felt even more lightheaded than before so he hesitated speaking, it might just be the roses trying to fool him. Or maybe it was just one of those voices in the back of his head reminding him he’s not worth it. He was too tired to spiral into emptiness again but the voice kept insisting. This time it had an unusual undertone though. Maybe worriness? 

“Clay, please answer something” George’s desperate voice was finally clicking inside Dream’s brain. It sounded actually real. “Are you ok? What’s wrong?... Please say something”. He was obviously tearing his heart out as well, only making Dream’s sink in pain even more. George’s hungry sobs trying to consume him were held just in case he could get something out of Clay but he couldn’t get anything out other than the same sobs. His mind was too focused on how much he hates himself for making this happen. Everything was his fault. He was now hurting the kindest person he knows by his actions. He truly had to get out of that relationship before he kept on hurting him more. But he was too selfish. How could he ever live without him? He tried ignoring him but it made his heart ache so much that he had to make it stop somehow. Living like that wasn’t worth the pain, not even a little. 

_What a selfish piece of shit._

_You don’t even deserve crying._

_Even less breathing._

Between his drugged thoughts he thought he could actually make himself stop breathing to eventually end up dying. It was all quiet for a few minutes between the multiple attempts. He was way too focused to remember he was still on the call until his brain caught something he didn’t like. 

“Fuck it, I’m calling 999”

“Wait. I’m alright. Just… dizzy?“ He can’t keep being a burden. It was enough with not ending the relationship like he should have.

“Oh my god, Clay. I thought I lost you” George whispers. _He sounds angry._

“Are you alright?” George lets out a big breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I was so scared…” He only manages to hum as a response. Not finding the energy to hang up or make an elaborate reply.

After a few minutes of silent tears, Dream manages to say something. “Sorry ’bout that… I should go now tho. Can you hang up? I can’t reach my phone,” he whispers with a fake laugh at the end hoping his friend does what he said. But deep down(too deep for him to realize) he hopes he doesn’t. 

“Please don’t go.” _Why does he care?_

“ _Come on now,_ I need to go, George. Just hung up.” Dream wonders why he can’t stop existing instead of having to go through this. What was so worth living that he couldn’t just end it right there? Was something actually stopping him? 

_You would hurt the people you love._ The tiniest voice in his brain tries to remind him but the rest of his consciousness talks over it. _They can go through it and finally forget about you. It’d eventually be alright. It’s for the better._

“George, please hang up” He was almost begging by that point, his friend’s disobedience was making the whole process harder than it should.

“Why can’t we just stay on the call? We haven’t talked in so long…” He almost sounded excited. Could it get any more painful? “How was your day?”

"I don’t wanna talk about it…” Was it worth saying what he was about to say? Probably. “I don’t wanna talk with you to be honest. God! You’re so annoying. I’m tired of you,” he muttered like he was disgusted by his presence. Although he was disgusted by himself. Everything he was saying, he imagined he was saying it to himself. Just the thought of having to look at himself in a mirror made him feel nauseous.  
“I just wanna be alone, ok? Can you please hang up, now?” His words were so cold it even impressed Clay. When did his ability to lie developed to be so convincing? 

Dream thinks he can feel George’s tears in his ear. It felt like lava digging in his skin. Every tear George’s eyes let out burned Dream’s soul. _The flowers are gonna help it stop burning, it’s alright._

After a few moments of more pain, George finally decided to end the call. It got too much. He couldn’t let himself get hurt again. Not by Dream. It wasn’t fair. Every _fucking_ time he got too close to someone they walked over him. But putting himself first was harder than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter won’t end here! This is just the first part;)
> 
> I might make some changes though. I’ll let you know next chapter if you need to read it again, so don’t worry.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated:D


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